Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
