I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
