i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
