He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize