Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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