Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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