I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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