How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
