well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
