Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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