i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize