Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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