so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
