I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
