That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
