In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I need to calm my uterus...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
