who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
