that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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