Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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