His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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