so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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