I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
