Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
