Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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