You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
