the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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