I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
