WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
