dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
