Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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