Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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