my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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