How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
