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Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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