Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
