woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
organizing the empties. That sober.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
