Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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