fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
