I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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