she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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