just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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