after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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