i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
