i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
