Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
