I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
