dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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