I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
