just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
