Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
