It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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