Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize