jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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