I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
