It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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