Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize