In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
