I hate your face
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
