I think my fart just growled at me.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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