Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
