The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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