Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
